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taking sides

10 April 2013

well, i’m getting a divorce. it was my “idea” and only pursued after many agonizing months of thought and feeble attempts at getting my partner to understand that if things didn’t change, we weren’t going to make it. were either of us awesome in our communication or attempts to fix things? no, most certainly not. but here we are, and i know that it’s the right thing to do.

i relocated about 6 weeks ago to a lovely duplex closer to work. i like it here, a lot. it’s quiet yet in the city, comfortable and a cheery place. it’s been an adjustment but not altogether unpleasant. what has been unpleasant is what has gone on within my circle of friends.

now yes, there are a good number of people that my ex and i met together… but there are also a good number of people that i knew long before he and i even knew each other existed. and i guess since i grew up moving CONSTANTLY, i’m territorial about the friends i’ve managed to make. friends are a priority for me and i show up for everything they invite me to and i also plan and host gatherings/events/happy hours/girls nights regularly.

the rational part of my brain does NOT want anyone to take sides because that’s wrong and i want both of us to feel happy and loved. the problem is, i don’t feel loved by my friends right now. i realize that this feeling is probably irrational but it’s there, swallowing up my heart and filling me with resentment. i see him hanging out with people that I introduced HIM to and yet somehow my invite has been lost in the mail. i guess i don’t get it because i’m loyal to a fault. i stand by my friends based who i knew first and who i know better and when couples part, i make sure that my friends know i’m there for them, i don’t go hanging out with their ex. again, i know i’m being irrational but the feelings are there and they are real. i can’t talk to anyone about it for fear of coming across like a bitch or being accused of starting drama (apparently feelings = drama) so i just sit here alone with my tears and my loneliness. (what a freaking loser i sound like.)

i do ask people to do things and they say yes… but what feels like is missing is them asking me… and also them including me when these “impromptu” things go on, which seems like is going on a lot lately and there is my ex, in every photo.

i knew ending my marriage would be hard to navigate. i just didn’t anticipate that my friends would choose the person who just went along for the ride over the person who made the plans, worked to build the relationships, helped others move, clean, cook and follow dreams. and yeah, that’s probably not how it “really” is, but that’s now it feels.

i just feel utterly defeated. i know it will get better but for now, it sucks.

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