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history repeats itself.

5 January 2013

3 years since i last posted to this blog… and when i revisited it this evening, i found it funny that the last thing i posted about is the thing that brings me back here tonight, a feeling of loneliness.

my son is almost 14. after watching a movie this evening, he went to bed. i went into his room a few minutes later to say goodnight. when he hugged me, i saw he had his iphone in the bed with him. i reached for it and reminded him of the “no phone usage after 10pm” rule. when he scrambled to take it from my hand, i immediately assumed he was looking at something for adult eyes only. well, he was, but it was song lyrics, not lady business. still, the conversation that followed wasn’t overly pleasant and left me saddened after we’d made amends and i said “i love you” as i closed his door.

being a parent is hard. even with a kid who is basically good-hearted, kind and smart, there is going to be limit-testing, back-talking and the occasional lie. it’s just so hard to prepare myself for it and harder yet to deal with the feelings of insufficiency it raises within me. so as i finished getting ready for bed, my mind was spinning and i once again realized how alone i feel. there is no one for me to confide in or seek support from. and it is on this fact that i am once again reflecting.

i’ve continued to become more self-actualized as time has gone on and though i cannot change my upbringing and past, i do see now the patterns of my life and wish to break them. i will never be perfect, not even close, but i want to be content, proud and happy. it’s hard to break free from who you have been. harder yet when you look back with some amount of shame and disgust but i know there is a better me inside who now rises toward the surface more than ever (and yet still not enough.)

2013 will march forth as years past have done. i just hope i can come out on the other side a few steps closer to contentment.

One Comment leave one →
  1. 5 January 2013 1:03 am

    Your son must know how much he is loved. It’s nice to have time to quiet the thoughts and feelings and restore peace. Sometimes it just takes a series of breaths in mindfulness. Wishing you success in your compassionate aspiration.

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