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this site under construction…

18 November 2008

and by this site, i mean me, lily. i’m a work in progress.

a lot has happened in a short time, i moved in with my fiance, got a tattoo that covers half my back and then went to aruba and got married. when my handsome new husband and i returned, we threw a wicked party that will be remembered as a reception that people actually enjoyed. and we packed all that into the past 3 months!

i did something else in these past few months as well. i had a meltdown. several actually. severe, terrifying, pathetic meltdowns. during one, which occurred as i was attempting to dress myself to go out, i tore all my clothes off and screamed to my would be husband “do you see me? do you THIS?” as i grabbed handfuls of the fat that has accumulated at my waist, “i’m fucking fat! i’m disgusting!”

*sigh*

it was the first time since we begun dating that he saw me nude in the light. isn’t that pathetic?

i’ve known for a long time that i needed “help” with my body image. since meeting the man that is now my husband, it’s become more than a need, it’s something i’ve become desperate to do. sadly it seems that even though i really want it, the part of me that has been stuck in this “funk” for so long lacks the motivation to actually DO something about it. you can see then my conundrum. 

i want to get better but i lack the motivation to do so. pretty shitty situation.

some part of me has always felt that i would need a cheerleader to get me through this. pathetic really because if i’m going to heal, it has to be ME that wants to heal. i can’t be doing it for someone else or because someone else is telling me “you can DO it!” i don’t feel that I AM doing it for anyone else but i know that my relationships (all of them) will benefit greatly from a new, improved “in love with myself” me so, a cheerleader can’t be the worst thing in the world, can it?

i’m so fortunate, i’ve married a man who loves me unconditionally and tells me how perfect i am just the way i exist today. though my mental state has and will likely continue to cause bumps along the way, he will stand by me and encourage me to take the baby steps toward healing.

when i first started seriously considering getting “healthy”, i think all i was focused on was the weight loss. i currently weigh more than i did when i was full term with my son 10 years ago. THAT is depressing. but i’ve begun to realize (and really, i’ve just begun to realize this) that while i DO want to lose some weight, what i care more about is improving my mental health, my body image, my daily “good morning lily” that i say to myself when my alarm drags me out of bed before the sun has a chance to.

i really want to be better. really.

i’m no longer obsessed with the impossible idea that i will be 103 pounds again. i was 23 when i weighed that much. now i’m 33. probably not gonna happen. (but i wouldn’t complain if it did either) so, what are my “goals”?

in no particular order:

  • be able to look at myself in the mirror and feel positive about the woman i see
  • be able to enjoy intimacy with my husband without obsessively thinking about where i resemble a dairy product more than a person
  • have a longer self “pro” list than “con” list
  • be willing to wear a bathing suit out in the actual sunlight, where you need it 🙂
  • exercise in some form (hiking, biking, gym, etc) at least 3 times per week for at least 1 hour

there are others… many of them superficial like:

  • wear shorts without them riding up between my thighs. because guess what? that just ain’t hot.
  • wear a tank top and not feel self conscious about my arms/belly/back fat
  • show off my killer new tattoo

but, i know those things will come when i achieve the other, more important goals so, meh, why bother listing them out?

anywho, the point is, i’m under construction and my “repairs” will probably last longer than a Minnesota summer’s road construction season but i’m willing to put up with that. rome wasn’t built in a day you know.

so, either find an alternate route or be prepared for some long delays. construction season has begun.

.:: l i l y ::.

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