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am i the only person who pays attention to the details?

5 February 2008

in my quest for the one thing that eludes me above all others, love, i ventured into the pathetic world of online dating. why, oh why, i now ask myself, did i hope for even 14 nanoseconds that within the confines of my 17 inch monitor i would find my prince charming? in retrospect i should have been aiming not for the love of my life but rather a heart beat and 14 teeth. at least that goal would have been attainable.

i don’t think i’m the wittiest or wisest person to place their pumas upon this planet but i do know one thing, i’m unique. i mean, we all are, aren’t we? there is a little list of things about “the lil” that i feel set me apart from the world and when crafting my oh so brilliant dating profile, i tried to spell them out. for your amusement, i present My Profile. hang it on your refrigerator and show it to all your hot, single friends of the male persuasion. pretty please?

“me: pescetarian, parent, procrastinator, aspiring (copy)writer and professional smart ass. loves: picture takin’, live music, my quirky family, my ridiculously wonderful friends and my adorable feet. likes: my music loud and my beers with bite. enjoys: concerts, scaling rock faces, sleeping in tents, brewery visits and sampling exotic fares (especially of the spicy variety. and no, i’m not talking about ricky martin or antonio banderas). hates: lies (even white ones), country music, beets, budgets, meat heads and midgets.

you: gainfully employed, smoke-free (call me a hardass but this is non-negotiable), just sane enough to not be frightening but crazy enough to still be fun. open-minded, creative, tall and don’t live for hunting, fishing or televised sports. realize that camouflage is NOT for everyday wear. know what MPR is an actually listen to it. don’t do the same things with the same people every weekend. would rather DO than watch others do. for the love of Pete (just because he’s so cool), be able to spell and formulate an entire sentence that doesn’t contain one single internet slag spelling such as “kewl” or “hawt”. a pleasant demeanor and wicked sense of humor would be pretty sweet too.”

so, there you have it. pretty straight forward right? maybe even a little funny (hopefully). well, let me outline the kind of “gentlemen” who emailed me.

  • 5’8″ men – is this considered tall anywhere other than on the planet (moon) Endor?
  • men whose profile photo featured them with a dead animal – because pescetarians LOVE dead animals, right?
  • smokers – notice i didn’t say men who smoke, because that could insinuate a certain level of good looks. no, these guys smoke. what it is they do not say but based on their gross inability to pay attention, i’m going with crack. or pot. either way, they’re dumb.
  • hip-hoppers – seriously? look at me. do i look like the kind of girl who would be on the arm of a hip hop guy? i think not. course, if ll cool j asked me out, i’d be there with bells on or any other gear he asked me to rock. yum-o.
  • people who can’t spell – THIS ONE IS THE WORST OF ALL. i want to take all of these people and banish them to an island in the middle of the pacific. forever. no ferries back to the mainland. one way ticket only. goodbye. good riddance.

so anyway, as you can see, the cream that rose to the top wasn’t cream after all really. more like that pus that’s removed during pasteurization. delish.

and on to my second, but related, rant. individuality.

i kid you not, i think these guys literally copied and pasted their profiles from one another. they all say the same damn things, “i like the outdoors. i like to stay healthy. i like going out but i also like staying in.” hooray asshole, you just described the entire population of the world! after reading the 4th profile that said that, i almost tossed my Compact out the window. (which, coincidentally, i should do anyway because it’s a POS.)

the burning question really is this, did i meet anyone? yes, i did actually. i went on 5 first dates in 2 weeks. 2 were horrendous, 2 were utterly disappointing and 1 was actually pretty fun considering i was massively hungover (thank you jagermeister). my average isn’t very good, is it?

i learned something in the process though. people do NOT pay attention to the details. not even the important ones, like the fact that i don’t eat meat. one guy tried to order for me (which i hate by the way. this IS the 21st century)… a steak. seriously. i shit you not. i should have just politely excused myself, folded my napkin over the back of my chair and hightailed it out the front door right then and there but i didn’t. i’m too fucking nice.

amy winehouse says it well, “love is a losing game”

4 Comments leave one →
  1. 5 February 2008 9:42 pm

    You’re good at this rant stuff, let me tell ya! It’s good to have your standards and at this point in life, we’re way beyond bending the envelope sooo far to accept just anyone who pings the profile. Have fun with it. There will be that one in a million guy who’ll actually know what pescatarian means (and be able to spell it, as well).

  2. 5 February 2008 10:57 pm

    hey, don’t get me wrong. i don’t want all my musings to be rants but that’s what gets me going… think about it, aren’t most songs about a rant of some sort? anger breeds passion my friend…

  3. michelle permalink
    14 February 2008 5:55 pm

    Believe it or not I do feel your pain….did you ever consider you are just too damn good for most? Face it …you are absolutely adorable, smart, funny and balanced…passionate AND how can we forget honest and upfront (something seriously lacking these days). Well all I can say is I love ya, and I think you are pretty f-ing remarkable but I am straight so I guess we both need to keep looking….*giggles* we need to hit the floor soon at least there is solace in rump shakin’

  4. michelle permalink
    14 February 2008 5:57 pm

    I should clarify that…*dance floor* : =]

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