i hate stephanie plum
okay, so i don’t really hate a fictional character dreamed up by janet evanovich but i DO envy stephanie’s impossible metabolism. she eats cake for breakfast lunch and dinner and then in about every other book she has a “muffin top” that disappears after 3 days of running. yeah right.
after reading book 11 in the stephanie plum series, where stephanie quits sugar cold turkey on a dare from her mother, i started thinking about my own at-work snacking.
see, i don’t consider myself a sweet eater. i don’t crave sweets. actually, i don’t really crave much, i just feel “hungry”. in reality, i think it’s just because i’m bored. i like to eat when i’ve got nothing to distract me. the bad part of this is that i’m bored A LOT, especially in the afternoon.
on monday, i ate like 3 sweet things in the afternoon. i always tell myself “just one ______” and then end up eating 2 or 3. tuesday i brought in some bars and apple crisp that were left over from a party lars and i hosted over the weekend. well, once the afternoon munchies/bordom struck, i had 2 1/2 bars, 2 teaspoon scoops of apple crisp, a sour cherry warhead AND a mini kit kat bar.
um, HELLO!!! no wonder you’re a chunky monkey lily!
so, insprired by stephanie plum, today i’ve avoided the sweets altogether. i think that once i allow myself 1 it’s just too easy to say “i’ll just have a tiny bit more”. those 2 1/2 bars i ate were all in 1/2 bar incriments. sad, eh?
things are going pretty good today. i ate my new “usual” breakfast, scrambled eggwhites with a pinch of cheddar and one slice of toast w/ butter. for lunch i had a salad. granted it wasn’t the best salad in the world for me but hey, strawberries, cashews and craisins are better than a burger and fries, right? (WORK WITH ME PEOPLE!)
of course as afternoon came, i got the munchies. i lifted the lid on my candy dish 3 times. i even picked up a piece of candy but then i thought to myself “stephanie is on a no sugar kick. you can do it too”. (i can’t believe i’m admitting to the world that i’m comparing my “diet” to a fictional character that eats bags of sugar for breakfast and never gains weight but meh, whatever works for ya, right?)
so i didn’t eat the candy. i had an apple instead. it was even tasty and sweet! (thanks katrina!) but about 45 minutes later, i felt hungry again. CURSES!!!
afternoon is the worst for me. i chug water like i’m stranded in the sahara and yet it does nothing to curb my appetite OR alleviate my bordom. so i ate some almonds and cashews.
*sigh*
at least it wasn’t the candy dish.
i feel pretty victorious today. we’ll see how i fare on the great american eat yourself sick holiday. even stephanie plum would probably have “return of the muffin top” come friday, right? ; )
.:: l i l y ::.
this site under construction…
and by this site, i mean me, lily. i’m a work in progress.
a lot has happened in a short time, i moved in with my fiance, got a tattoo that covers half my back and then went to aruba and got married. when my handsome new husband and i returned, we threw a wicked party that will be remembered as a reception that people actually enjoyed. and we packed all that into the past 3 months!
i did something else in these past few months as well. i had a meltdown. several actually. severe, terrifying, pathetic meltdowns. during one, which occurred as i was attempting to dress myself to go out, i tore all my clothes off and screamed to my would be husband “do you see me? do you THIS?” as i grabbed handfuls of the fat that has accumulated at my waist, “i’m fucking fat! i’m disgusting!”
*sigh*
it was the first time since we begun dating that he saw me nude in the light. isn’t that pathetic?
i’ve known for a long time that i needed “help” with my body image. since meeting the man that is now my husband, it’s become more than a need, it’s something i’ve become desperate to do. sadly it seems that even though i really want it, the part of me that has been stuck in this “funk” for so long lacks the motivation to actually DO something about it. you can see then my conundrum.
i want to get better but i lack the motivation to do so. pretty shitty situation.
some part of me has always felt that i would need a cheerleader to get me through this. pathetic really because if i’m going to heal, it has to be ME that wants to heal. i can’t be doing it for someone else or because someone else is telling me “you can DO it!” i don’t feel that I AM doing it for anyone else but i know that my relationships (all of them) will benefit greatly from a new, improved “in love with myself” me so, a cheerleader can’t be the worst thing in the world, can it?
i’m so fortunate, i’ve married a man who loves me unconditionally and tells me how perfect i am just the way i exist today. though my mental state has and will likely continue to cause bumps along the way, he will stand by me and encourage me to take the baby steps toward healing.
when i first started seriously considering getting “healthy”, i think all i was focused on was the weight loss. i currently weigh more than i did when i was full term with my son 10 years ago. THAT is depressing. but i’ve begun to realize (and really, i’ve just begun to realize this) that while i DO want to lose some weight, what i care more about is improving my mental health, my body image, my daily “good morning lily” that i say to myself when my alarm drags me out of bed before the sun has a chance to.
i really want to be better. really.
i’m no longer obsessed with the impossible idea that i will be 103 pounds again. i was 23 when i weighed that much. now i’m 33. probably not gonna happen. (but i wouldn’t complain if it did either) so, what are my “goals”?
in no particular order:
- be able to look at myself in the mirror and feel positive about the woman i see
- be able to enjoy intimacy with my husband without obsessively thinking about where i resemble a dairy product more than a person
- have a longer self “pro” list than “con” list
- be willing to wear a bathing suit out in the actual sunlight, where you need it
- exercise in some form (hiking, biking, gym, etc) at least 3 times per week for at least 1 hour
there are others… many of them superficial like:
- wear shorts without them riding up between my thighs. because guess what? that just ain’t hot.
- wear a tank top and not feel self conscious about my arms/belly/back fat
- show off my killer new tattoo
but, i know those things will come when i achieve the other, more important goals so, meh, why bother listing them out?
anywho, the point is, i’m under construction and my “repairs” will probably last longer than a Minnesota summer’s road construction season but i’m willing to put up with that. rome wasn’t built in a day you know.
so, either find an alternate route or be prepared for some long delays. construction season has begun.
.:: l i l y ::.
